images of the crossing over

The chance to not do (Morning walk, 4.23)

I forgot Easter. Not just the holiday; the entire season. I was more aware of Passover than Easter (friends discussed family seders in emails or on blogs in advance; the Christian influences in my life wished me a Happy Easter after the fact).

How’ve I spent the first five days of vacation, since I’m manifestly not keeping up with the world religious calendar?

Napping. Reading. Doing some laundry–but nothing that interferes with the other two main activities mentioned. Going to the Dharma Hall as required. I’m alone in the room I usually share with the Assistant Chant Master, who took her week’s leave first, and for the first time in literally years I have a space more or less private, closed to others, and un-intruded upon by near anything else. Phones. Intercoms. Sisters. Guests. I have no responsibilities beyond the three daily services and showing up for formal meal in the morning.

At my home temple, a Canadian man used to come visit me. His wife was Korean and they had lived here in Korea for several years. Whenever he came to see me, he’d preface anything else he said with, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting your meditation or anything.” I never knew what to say in response, other than, “Oh, no, you’ve interrupted nothing”: he never interrupted my meditation, because I hadn’t been meditating. I’d been working, or attending to something, or in the midst of the eternal wait (for phones, for guests, for orders or requests from senior nuns, for work, for anything) that typifies temple life for young nuns. Maybe it typifies it for senior nuns, too; but young or old, we’re rarely found in an attitude of formal meditation if we live in an average temple. We’re usually found in a state of mild anxiety, trying to anticipate what might happen or need to happen next. Do we cultivate patience? Yes. Generosity? Yes. Attention to the moment? Yes: but not by sitting on cushions, not by scheduling in practice, not by having “space,” not by having “down time.” Would I like to see practice more formally structured and addressed among the young monastic community? Yes, but that’s not the present situation we have to live with.

So it is weird, in a wonderful, much-needed way, to have leisure. Unstructured spans of time. Quiet. Privacy. In this, the last spring of my last year at school, I’ve received an unexpected gift: the chance to really slow down and do only as much as I can in a day. For the past few days, that hasn’t amounted to much more than letting a book slip from my hands as I fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon. I had plans, at first, to do homework and read x number of books and exercise and take pictures; but what would be the point of all that if the gift of this moment is the chance to not do?

I’ve often looked at the fields adjacent to the school, the ones we cultivate each year, rotating crops but rarely letting lie fallow, and thought about the earth unturned and unploughed; what would a field let go fallow yield, in the next year? We’re a partly-organic operation at school; among other compromises, we use chemical fertilizers at the start of each growing season, trying to provoke the ground into producing for us. I’m a classic type-A personality, over-achieving and capable of generating enough stress to require no additional input from parents, teachers, coaches, or seniors; a personality like mine self-combusts in the atmosphere of Korean temples, which rely on a certain basic level of systemic stress to overcome a community’s inherent inertia. When the problem isn’t inherent inertia, but inherent momentum, it’s learning to stop, not go, that becomes the challenge. Some folks don’t cultivate enough. Others never learn to lie fallow.

I forgot Easter. Barely remembered Passover. Buddha’s Birthday still seems like Someone Else’s Holiday, in my head. But maybe even the religious need to forget religion, if we’re going to stay grounded in the universal rhythms of body and season and learn not only what to do, but also what we do not need to do, and learn to let be, be quiet, lie fallow.

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2 responses

  1. I am so glad you’re getting this spaciousness. I smile ruefully, reading your description of being a type-A person who’s always pushing to get things done — I know how that is. In theory the Jewish weekly discipline of Shabbat is meant to give us one a day a week when we stop doing and can simply be; in practice, especially for those of us who work as clergy, that almost never really unfolds.

    Anyway. Hooray for a bit of a break — a real one. Sleep and reading and sleep. Sounds glorious.

    April 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    • I always meant to respond to your post–now at least a couple months back–about finding time to pray; the set periods of prayer, or kido, that I do aren’t nearly as intensive or even as structured as I wish. I usually end up praying more rather than less like your schedule as you’d described it in that post: running my rosary through my hands as I walk to or from different jobs, squeezing aspirations and dedications in before or after or in between phone calls, chores, and meals; learning to not be frustrated when text-recitation is broken off again by the demands of something else. If prayer’s like that, what isn’t?

      I tried to explain to someone that when you become clergy, the dynamic shifts from spiritual guest in spaces and at ceremonies to de facto host. Becoming a host means the gifts of guesthood, which usually manifest as time, space, a change from “ordinary” mind, are what you have to learn to provide, instead of receive, in spiritual and religious contexts. But the hosts need to be guests, too…it’s too exhausting to be “on” all the time, and makes for poor caregivers and practitioners.

      I hope you get some rest too!

      April 26, 2011 at 10:38 pm

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